Detaching Attachment
by Patti Allen
Attachment is a funny concept. Part of the human experience is found in forming attachments: mothers to their children, lovers to each other. We are attached to our friends, to our neighbors, to our country. Our attachments are born out of our need to connect with others. In fact, if we don’t form attachments to other human beings we are not considered emotionally healthy. As human animals, we live in groups or family units, not unlike the structure of other primate societies. It is our inborn nature and how well we succeed in the world and in our personal lives can be directly related to how we attach and connect with others.
The opposite concept, detachment, is not something we often think about, yet the teachings around detachment are very compelling. Deepak Chopra has taken the ancient teachings of Hinduism and brought them to popular attention. Chopra called it the “Law of Detachment” in his book “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success”. It is the law that says “in order to acquire anything in the physical universe, you have to relinquish your attachment to it…..You don’t give up the intention, and you don’t give up the desire. You give up your attachment to the result.” While he was talking primarily about things like possessions and desires for certain outcomes, in his example, rather that the attachments between people, I believe the law of detachment applies to people as well.
I’ve been doing some soul searching lately and noticing my own attachments. As a teacher (and a communications focused Gemini) I am attached to people understanding me. When I teach, I really want my students to understand the concepts I teach. I teach dreamwork and holistic healing, two subjects around which I am particularly passionate. I truly want each and every student to take what they are learning to heart, and let it impact their lives and their souls. Perhaps that desire makes me a good teacher. Or perhaps, if I’m not well grounded and clear in my own boundaries, the line between a good teacher and attachment to what the student learns can thin a bit. If I am attached and depend on my students to “get it” in order for me to feel good about myself, then I am doomed to a lot of misery.
When I try to help someone understand a dream, even someone I don’t know, whether on TV, on this web site or with my students and clients, I am attached to their “getting it”. I know and understand full well that I am making a stab at dream interpretation, that without the input of the dreamer can very easily miss the mark. Yet I am attached to the notion that they might get some insight about themselves by unpacking the dream. It is something that has been so important in my own life and healing, that I am attached and ever hopeful that others will find it as amazing as I do. I am attached to the hope that they will actually want to understand what their subconscious is trying to tell them. Who wouldn’t want to know that? Well clearly not everyone, as I’ve learned, though, for me, the attachment remains. I’m definitely human in my foibles.
An exercise for my soul in letting go was probably in order. I just didn’t expect it to hurt so much. My friend, Robyn, who I wrote about in my article (“Forgetting & Remembering”- see “resources”), is dying. Her body has begun to shut down. Although she did get to read that article, if she understood what I was trying to say about my hopes for her, in that article, she never shared that with me. She did say how she could see that what I wrote was true of other people’s lives. If she were my student in “Soul 101”, I would have to say that what she learned from her illness was not on my lesson plan, even though, at her recently celebrated 45th birthday party, she spoke of the “gifts” of her illness. The lessons she learned were not the lessons I wanted her to learn.
I noticed how attached I was to her learning those lessons and more. I wanted her to learn that a terminal illness was her soul sending a warning that she needed to do something different. I wanted her to do more than just dabble in meditation, yoga, and healing and then drop it when the going got rough. I wanted her to look deep into her feelings, her relationships and her life and come back with life-altering insights and changes; changes that might save her life. That’s not the way it happened. And, as difficult as it was, I learned that Robyn’s path and her karma is her own. And what I imagined she should learn in this life, may not be what she’s here to do and to learn at all.
So Robyn has become my teacher and I am learning to let go of my expectations, no matter how subtle, for how others live their lives. I will still express and teach my passions and my truth, but that’s all it is…mine. If it lights a spark and resonates for someone else, then there is honestly some satisfaction in that, but there is no attachment to what they do with it, nor is there a need that they “get it”. It’s also important to note that I didn’t come to this place of understanding overnight. It is a process. “Uncertainty” Chopra teaches, “is the fertile ground of pure creativity and freedom.” In the remaining time that Robyn has, and with all the uncertainty that surrounds death, I now have the freedom to just “be” with her and appreciate all that she is. She is my friend and we are attached in our friendship. I am anticipating the loss of that relationship and there is a lot of pain around that. There is even more pain when I think of the loss to her husband and three children, yet now I am free to celebrate Robyn, her loving, generous heart, her vibrant, joy-filled smile, without expectations and attachments and perhaps that’s everything.
In “Tuesdays with Morrie”, Mitch Albom quoted Morrie, saying “That’s what we’re all looking for. A certain peace with the idea of dying. If we know, in the end, that we can ultimately have that peace with dying, then we can finally do the really hard thing.” Which is? “Make peace with living…. Death ends a life, not a relationship.” As for me, I’ve made my peace with dying but living is definitely the hard part. Learning how to keep my heart open, in the midst of pain, without my habitual walls of protection is possibly the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Robyn is one of my teachers and I am full of gratitude for her friendship and her life.
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"I know Patti first of all from Seneca. She was my teacher when I took an Introduction to Holistic Healing. She was one of the most knowledgeable persons I have ever met. She later taught me the art of Reiki. Working with her allowed me to get to know myself better. She helped out a lot with this. The fact that is so passionate about what she does and is so knowledgeable makes her the perfect person for this." Jessica I.